I’ve never actually shared this photo of me at my smallest, it used to make me feel bad, it used to make me wish I was still that tiny. These photos just illustrate the stress I’ve put my poor body through by yo-yo’ing in weight all these years. By sharing this I’m making peace with my past, knowing that I’m on a healthier path these days and although I can appreciate the body on the left I no longer feel desperate to look like that again.
Considering the very up and down journey I’ve lived I know I won’t go back, I don’t want to go back to that girl, that girl was 10 years ago living on diet coke, zero carbs and she had a very unhealthy obsession with her image. She experienced what it was like to have heads turn. The girl in the middle was on the opposite end of the spectrum, she didn’t really care what she ate and avoided mirrors when possible and most photos, living in major denial. She experienced what it was like to feel invisible.
The girl on the right is where I sit these days, I have a healthy relationship with food, I nourish myself with real food 80% of the time, I eat intuitively, I chose movement over exercise and the freedom that comes from that is beyond gratifying and I cannot express how healthy my mindset is now.
It’s still a progressive journey for someone like me who has had such disordered eating habits and while I can have small moments of missing that tiny size it wasn’t worth the obsession and disconnection that I felt from myself or other people. Not many people want to dig deep and share this kind of thing, it can make you feel very vulnerable, but if it helps someone out there struggling then it’s worth it.