Screenshot 2015-09-28 18.03.01
So since sharing my last blog post with you guys I have been wanting to share what’s been going on for me and how I came around to re-focusing on my health again after I had been lost for a while.  I look back on the past six months and realise that I have indeed been very sad, I say very sad because it hasn’t quite been full blown depression but I just haven’t felt myself.  When I lose my balance it’s generally because something far bigger is going on and I eat.  I am sure many of you can relate, many of us eat for reasons other than hunger.  But I hadn’t realised just how much I was in a food coma and it’s not until I have recently “sobered up” from food that I can look back and re-assess what happened.
Sometimes I don’t always want to share the nitty gritty details of when shit gets tough, but what I’ve come to realise is when life isn’t so peachy, that is when you learn the most about yourself and you learn how character building it really is.  These are the moments in life when sometimes I just want to bury my head in the sand until the feeling passes but the fact of the matter is that the feeling won’t pass until you face it head on and that part really does unequivically suck.  When you realise that eating isn’t going to fix the empty place in my heart, it isn’t going to bring my step dad back, it isn’t going to magically make my father well again, it isn’t going to relieve the anxiety I feel, it might temporarily but long term it just adds to the problem, you still have to deal with your emotions AND the extra weight that you picked up along the way.
I’m certainly no expert at this stuff but I can tell you from years of dealing with this weight loss and weight maintenance shit it is haaard!! It doesn’t get easier, will all the years I’ve maintained my weight I still have to make conscious choices everyday to stay balanced.  When I start to waver that is when I know something is up and I have to ask myself some hard questions and face the fact that I was in denial for several months.  I am very thankful that I can recognise when this happens and do something about it before it turns into a much bigger problem.
In the past 3 weeks I have been in such a better head space, sometimes I think that I need to go through these trying times to learn some lessons.  I am happy to say I am back on my own list, walking again, eating healthy meals, allowing for an occasional treat and I am finding my balance again.  I’m not going to tell you it’s been easy, sometimes it does suck when I cannot just eat a bag of chips and look for another, when I have finished a healthy dinner and all I want to do is eat my weight in chocolate instead of one measly square.  I have had to re-learn that to feel satiated does not mean eating until I’m so full i need to undo my top button and get horizontal.  That is not healthy and that does not feel good.  I have always struggled with overeating, I have to remember that every time I eat I don’t have to eat everything I want, I get to eat again at the next meal and that feels much kinder to myself and my body that eating until I can’t feel my feelings anymore.
I have lost a little weight, I can fit my jeans again and I’m on my way back to feeling like myself again and that feels really great.